When Breastfeeding Doesn't Go As Planned

Breastfeeding seems like such a natural part of motherhood, however, it does not come easy for every mother.

When I was pregnant, I was so determined to breastfeed my son exclusively. I couldn't wait to provide milk for him, and I fully planned on trying to nurse for two years like the experts recommend now. At the very least, my minimum goal was to make it to one year.

Unfortunately, that isn't what happened. My milk dried up shortly before my son turned 9 months old.

Breastfeeding was a struggle from the very beginning. My delivery was difficult, 13 hours of labor ending in emergency c-section. Then, my son had some problems that required immediate attention - he had jaundice and dangerously low blood sugar. 

The doctor and nurses gave me two days while in the hospital to attempt to breastfeed. It was very difficult, and even with additional pumping, nothing was coming out yet. I knew that it could take almost a week for milk to come, but in my son's situation, we couldn't wait a week. His levels weren't improving with the few drops of colostrum I was providing.

I was told we needed to supplement with formula because my milk hadn't "come in" yet, because he needed nourishment right away to bring his levels back up to a healthy number. I won't lie, when I was pregnant I bought into the whole "formula shaming" bandwagon that's going on these days, so when I was told formula was necessary, I hung my head in shame and cried right there in front of the doctor and nurses.

His levels did get better after having formula, his jaundice improved, and they allowed us to go home on day 4. On day 5, my milk started to come. However, the struggle didn't go away.

Negative thoughts

Today has been a hard day.

The kind of day where I'm too "inside my head", the kind of day where I feel that only tears can express my thoughts. 

The thoughts are negative and relentless sometimes.

You're not a good wife.

You're not a good mother.

Nothing you do matters.

You don't matter.

Even though I know those things aren't true, it hurts.

I had to put my son in the crib for a moment just so I could cry for a few minutes. Seeing his sweet, innocent face looking at me cautiously as I'm crying is more than I can bear. I don't want him to see me like this.

I wish so much I could talk to my brother, or my dad, but I can't. They're gone... and sometimes I feel so very alone.

Looking at what has become of my life, of my family, I cannot believe it. There's been good things, wonderful things, like my husband and my son. But there's also been so much sadness and loss... I never thought those closest to me would be gone while I'm still young. 

Seeing people with their families, laughing and having fun, is hurtful because it becomes all too obvious to me that I don't have that anymore. 

The reality of it, that they are not coming back, I push it aside for as long as I can just so I can function. Then it bubbles to the surface and I just can't keep it inside any longer. Sometimes being strong for everyone else is not possible. Sometimes I need a moment to myself to process.

I can't process it, though.

It's so hard.  It's too much.

I'm not okay.

I feel so alone sometimes.

Grieving and Trying to Get Back to Normal

So... I haven't posted anything in several months.

The last thing I posted was in February. Life was getting along pretty well at the time; I had a two month old baby, and I was getting into the swing of figuring out how to be a mother. Sure, my husband and I were pretty sleep deprived and may or may not have resembled zombies, but we were so blissfully happy with our new little one.

A week later after I posted my last update in February, I got devastating news that my brother had died. It was unexpected and all at once, it felt like my world was crashing down around me.

Understandably, my life has not quite been the same for me since. Grieving for my brother, while trying to juggle my daily life and being a new mother, has been extremely difficult. I haven't felt much like doing anything, and no, blogging was the last thing on my mind.

I decided getting back into blogging might be a good idea for me, perhaps it will be therapeutic to put my jumbled thoughts into words. I often feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings threatening to explode in my head and I don't know how to express them. Sometimes my thoughts make little sense even to myself.

Nobody understands a loss like this unless they've gone through it themselves.

Sure, everyone experiences death at some point - usually a grandparent or older relative passes away, and it's sad and hard to get used to them being gone. However, it's not exactly unexpected in that case - they're older, and death is something that happens to older people. But when death comes for someone who is younger, someone whose time has been cut short, it's tragic. You don't see it coming...but it comes, and the pain, and suffering grips you in a horrible, suffocating way.

Yes. That is one way I would describe grief... it's suffocating.

It's so hard, trying to put all the pieces back together, trying to find some sense of normalcy again. I can't quite say it's gotten easier over the last 5 months since he's been gone... grief is like a cycle for me. There are times when it's like life is going along relatively normally, and then something reminds me, something happens and I remember all over again that he's gone. Then the grief hits me fresh all over again, and I feel so horribly hopeless. It's hard to explain; mentally, I know he's gone, but have I accepted it? I guess not really.

I miss him so much and I feel so alone sometimes with how I feel. My husband is amazing, so loving and kind, patient, and supportive. But the pain feels so private, like I can't quite convey how I feel in a way that makes sense to another person. My husband tries his best to help me through this. He's there for me and listens to me, he helps me get through the worst times and I'm so thankful for him.

And my son... there's been times I have a hard time "hiding" my pain around him. I try very, very hard to be happy and act upbeat around my son. When he sees me upset or crying, I know that it upsets him too... and I don't want him to see me like that. There's been times I wondered, "why now? I can't deal with this loss and be a good mom at the same time! He deserves a better mom than me!" But honestly... if I didn't have my son, and my husband to help get me through this, I don't know if I'd still be here today, to be honest. They are giving me a purpose to continue going even when I don't feel like it. They give me a reason to try. They give me hope and happiness.

Anyway... I am rambling. I'm writing this half-asleep. I will continue some other time... I imagine I will be blogging about my thoughts quite a bit. I don't care if anyone reads it; it's for me, for me to express how I feel and what I'm going through. Hey...blogging is free and cheaper than therapy, so maybe this will help me in some way.

Review: Wet N Wild Fergie Lipstick - D'Vinely Chilled

Long time, no post!

Wow! I haven't posted in months. Pregnancy and being a new mom really zapped most of my free time. It's been a huge life change and my son has brought me a lot of joy (and sleeplessness).



My days mainly consist of diaper changing, sitting on the couch nursing, trying to find some sleep, and occasionally doing some dishes or something. Hmm.



While sitting on the couch nursing I also binge watch Netflix to help pass the time. My husband and I have been watching Breaking Bad. What an amazing show. It is totally not something I would normally like, but we've been drawn in and have been racing to finish the series. I haven't been this into a show since LOST.

I've really been missing blogging lately and decided I would post something. I actually meant to post this a long time ago - I've had these swatch pictures ready to go but never posted them.

So, today I'm going to talk about a Wet n Wild lipstick in the Fergie range. The shade is called D'Vinely Chilled. I loved the way the color looked in the tube - a warm shimmering wine shade.

D'Vinely Chilled

Oooh. Sparkly.

I'm not going to front. This is frosty. Frost has a bit of a bad reputation these days as being too dated or cheap looking. Well, call me cheap (it wouldn't be the first time), but I like a bit of frost sometimes - in the right amount, I think frost can be pretty and feminine. In astronomical amounts, you're veering into powdered donut lips territory. Not cute.



It definitely swatches frosty as well. It's got good pigmentation and you can layer the color if desired. I like the way it looks as a swatch. On me, though...



I don't like the way it looks on me. I don't know, it feels matronly or something. It feels very dry as well. I feel like it ages me in an unflattering manner. I bet it would look great on someone with a deeper skin tone, I can see it reading as a gorgeous shimmering berry. On me...I'll pass.

I haven't even touched it since swatching the product for this post. Now that I think about it, I bet it would look and feel much nicer with some lip gloss on top. I'll give it a shot.

Trying to get back into quilting

Now that the semester is over, and I have a bit of free time, I'm wanting to start working on my quilt again.

I'm on my second ever quilt, so I'm definitely a beginner. I piece the quilt top with my sewing machine, and do the quilting by hand. I'm new to this and it's going quite slow lol. With school and everything I haven't had a lot of time to devote to it. I'm hoping to change that.

I've been doing it in sections, with the plan to attach the sections together at the end, thinking that may make it easy to handle.

I love looking at quilt websites and Pinterest for inspiration. Some of these quilters are absolutely amazing. I feel so inferior in comparison. But hey, we all have to start somewhere.

My cat Toby loves to snooze on lap underneath my quilting hoop...

So, so tired

I am exhausted.

With going to school full time and my new job, I'm starting to feel very run down. I can't pay attention in class, and at work I am low on energy.

When I get home, I'm so tired that I have barely any interest in doing anything with my husband or pets. This makes me sad.

I feel so drained. I'm working to help out but I feel like not being able to spend time at home makes it not so worth it. I feel zapped and unhappy. But money still needs to be made.

There doesn't seem to be enough hours at night for me to sleep. I don't feel recharged when my alarm goes off.

I feel so blah and noncaring lately. Snappy and irritable.

Sigh.

Sorry for the depressing post...Just wanted to let off some steam.

Fall is finally here

Autumn foliage. 

It's time to get out some sweaters, boots, and hoodies. Bring on the pumpkin spice lattes!

Fall has finally arrived. I just love this time of year. I wish it lasted longer.

My husband took this photo before dinner this evening. That is the view from our deck. Look at those colors! 

Fast Food Woes

This economy has made jobs hard to come by, let alone good jobs. That, coupled with living in a small town with very few options to choose from, has led me to accepting a job I normally wouldn't consider.

I have been working at a fast food job for the last few months. I won't say where, but it is a popular non-burger place.

I never considered myself "too good" to work in food service, but it isn't job I would have chosen for myself... The fast pace, the rude customers, hateful managers, hard work for low pay. It just wasn't something I ever wanted to do; but these days a job is better than no job, and money is money, I guess.

Many people think those who work in food service are uneducated losers with no futures. That isn't true. I'm a college student and am almost finished with my degree. I'm not making food service a career. But I know people who do work in food service as their career, and I don't judge them for it.

I don't understand why so many people look down on fast food workers. You aren't better than them. We are just trying to do our jobs the best we can, as fast as we can, and with as much accuracy as possible. At the end of the day, we are just trying to earn some money, just like anyone else.

Mistakes happen, unfortunately. When they do, please just calmly let us know and we fix it. Yelling at us or insulting us is hateful and unnecessary. It isn't like we made an error on purpose. Working at this job, I have really seen how rude and childish people can be.

Thankfully, I have some coworkers who make me laugh and that helps reduce stress.

Even though I feel stressed, feel like crying, or want to snap at a customer, I still manage to be polite and give good service with a smile.

Technical Difficulties are... Difficult

Ahhhh. I haven't posted in over three months, bad Hannah! I never intended to let my blog die like this.

Basically, my laptop bit the dust. I tried to get it repaired, but it was a temporary fix. So, I had another guy look at my computer, and a month later, nothing happened, and the dreaded Blue Screen haunted me to no end.... and the laptop was unusable completely. Blogging took a back seat and that's a shame. I really did start getting into posting entries;  it was fun.

Anyway, enough excuses. I still do not have a laptop,  but I now have a Blogger app on my phone. Hopefully I can begin posting again.

I plan to be back in action again very soon!

Six months of matrimony

Six months ago today, Mark and I were married.

I can't believe we've been husband and wive for half a year already. :)

I always found it a bit silly when couples say things like, "happy 2 months anniversary!" or "happy 3 months!" like 2 or 3 months is a huge deal. Half a year, though, seems kind of significant. To me, anyway.

For our six month-iversary, I tried to pamper my husband with lots of goodies: for breakfast I made pancakes (with cinnamon, nuts, and chocolate chips), meatball marinara pizza for lunch, and for dinner I tried to do something a little nice; I made some grilled steaks, baked potatoes, green beans, and salad. My husband loves a good steak and potato meal and needless to say, he was smiling at the dinner table.

If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I think I just beelined my way there. haha :)

For dessert, though, Mark is treating me: he's making banana nut bread for me, my favorite. Best part? He's doing all the dishes from dinner. Cha-ching! lol

But honestly... these past six months have been such a great new chapter in my life. I will be honest, things have not always been easy: two months into our marriage, my dad passed away. There's been serious emotional problems for me because of that, and as newlyweds, that isn't easy to handle. But Mark has been such a blessing every step of the way. He has been so patient, and understanding. Always offering me love unconditionally, with open arms.

He makes me laugh like no other, and  he understands my sometimes odd sense of humor. We can know what the other is thinking or feeling with a simple glance. He shares the same beliefs as me, and has the same love for God as I do. All my life I looked for someone who understood me, someone who is on the same page as I am. He is the best part of me... he makes me a better person.

Mark is the man I prayed for, for so many years. He is the brightest part of my life - I truly understand what it means when people use the term "my other half" to describe their spouse. He truly is my best friend, and I look forward to a long and happy marriage with him.

Pets are more than simply animals

Some new neighbors moved in beside us a few days ago. The last few days, I kept hearing this sad, low, moaning sound for many hours. Yesterday, I got tired of it, and asked Mark...

Me: "What is that awful sound?"

Husband: "The neighbor's dog."

Me: "What's wrong with it? It sounds so sad and pathetic."

Husband: "It's probably because they have its dog house so far away."

I didn't really know what he meant by that, until we were driving out to run some errands, and I saw this dog house way at the bottom of their yard. It was maybe 50 yards away from their house, totally secluded at the bottom of a hill that's in their backyard.

Could they get it any further away from them? It's like they were saying, "get away from us." It just made me sad to see that, and having to hear their poor dog whimper all day from loneliness.

I see things like this all the time, people basically neglecting their dogs like they're unwanted nuisances. When you have a pet, you need to pay attention to it. Take it for walks, play with it, spend time with it in the yard and take it with you to parks and such. Don't just chain it up in the backyard, give it some food and water, and occasionally throw it a bone or toy, and leave it alone the rest of the time. Pets are supposed to be companions. Dogs especially are social creatures - they want more than anything to be with their owners.

Honestly, leaving a dog alone 23 hours a day isn't beneficial to you, or your pet. Dogs can bring such happiness and joy if you spend time with them. They want nothing more than to simply be a part of your life and to please you.

I know that people have things they have to do during their day, we all do - being with your pet 24/7 just isn't feasible. That's not what I'm saying... I know people have lives to live. But I see this all the time, animals chained up and never socialized or interacted with.

I was never a dog person, mind you, because I was always used to having cats in my life. When my dad passed away, the sense of loneliness and emptiness I had was unbearable. My husband and I decided to adopt two puppies a few months ago so that I would have some companionship when I was at home; my opinion of dogs has totally changed, and now I love them to pieces.

They aren't just my dogs, they are my friends. I wish those people who banish their pets away to a life of seclusion felt the same way.

Father's Day thoughts

Today, as you know, is Father's Day.

This is a sad day for me.

My dad passed away from cancer in February. Father's Day is another reminder about the hole in my life from his absence. No more trying to find the best Father's Day card, no more wracking my brain for a decent gift to give him, no more making his favorite dark chocolate Ghiradelli brownies (with extra chocolate).

I have a lot of friends who complain about their fathers, about how annoying they are. What I wouldn't give for one more annoying lecture from my dad - him telling me how to manage my money in a more mature manner, or him steering me in the right direction when it came to making an important decision. Him giving me that little smile when I did something that made him proud.

I miss all those little moments.

My dad had a kind heart. He was a gentle spirit with a soft-spoken personality. He was a man of few words, but when he did speak, it was meaningful. He was never quick to anger, and he always dealt with problems with love and patience.

This day has passed by in a blur for me. Today I have remembered him with sadness. The sadness is for me - because I miss him in my life. The days, weeks, and months go by, and sometimes the sadness passes and sometimes it comes back strongly. My heart hurts every time I remember, yet again, he is not there. Though, I am glad he is no longer suffering and in pain.

He was a man of God and I know he is now with Jesus. That makes me glad. I look forward to seeing him again someday, when my time comes.