So... I haven't posted anything in several months.
last thing I posted was in February. Life was getting along pretty well
at the time; I had a two month old baby, and I was getting into the
swing of figuring out how to be a mother. Sure, my husband and I were
pretty sleep deprived and may or may not have resembled zombies, but we
were so blissfully happy with our new little one.
A week later after I posted my last update in February, I got devastating news that my brother had died. It was unexpected and all at once, it felt like my world was crashing down around me.
Understandably, my life has not quite been the same for me since. Grieving for my brother, while trying to juggle my daily life and being a new mother, has been extremely difficult. I haven't felt much like doing anything, and no, blogging was the last thing on my mind.
I decided getting back into blogging might be a good idea for me, perhaps it will be therapeutic to put my jumbled thoughts into words. I often feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings threatening to explode in my head and I don't know how to express them. Sometimes my thoughts make little sense even to myself.
Nobody understands a loss like this unless they've gone through it themselves.
Sure, everyone experiences death at some point - usually a grandparent or older relative passes away, and it's sad and hard to get used to them being gone. However, it's not exactly unexpected in that case - they're older, and death is something that happens to older people. But when death comes for someone who is younger, someone whose time has been cut short, it's tragic. You don't see it coming...but it comes, and the pain, and suffering grips you in a horrible, suffocating way.
Yes. That is one way I would describe grief... it's suffocating.
It's so hard, trying to put all the pieces back together, trying to find some sense of normalcy again. I can't quite say it's gotten easier over the last 5 months since he's been gone... grief is like a cycle for me. There are times when it's like life is going along relatively normally, and then something reminds me, something happens and I remember all over again that he's gone. Then the grief hits me fresh all over again, and I feel so horribly hopeless. It's hard to explain; mentally, I know he's gone, but have I accepted it? I guess not really.
I miss him so much and I feel so alone sometimes with how I feel. My husband is amazing, so loving and kind, patient, and supportive. But the pain feels so private, like I can't quite convey how I feel in a way that makes sense to another person. My husband tries his best to help me through this. He's there for me and listens to me, he helps me get through the worst times and I'm so thankful for him.
And my son... there's been times I have a hard time "hiding" my pain around him. I try very, very hard to be happy and act upbeat around my son. When he sees me upset or crying, I know that it upsets him too... and I don't want him to see me like that. There's been times I wondered, "why now? I can't deal with this loss and be a good mom at the same time! He deserves a better mom than me!" But honestly... if I didn't have my son, and my husband to help get me through this, I don't know if I'd still be here today, to be honest. They are giving me a purpose to continue going even when I don't feel like it. They give me a reason to try. They give me hope and happiness.
Anyway... I am rambling. I'm writing this half-asleep. I will continue some other time... I imagine I will be blogging about my thoughts quite a bit. I don't care if anyone reads it; it's for me, for me to express how I feel and what I'm going through. Hey...blogging is free and cheaper than therapy, so maybe this will help me in some way.