Little update

Has it really been a month already since I last blogged?

Wow. I feel like October flew by and I barely got to enjoy it - there's been a lot going on lately. I can't believe it's already November, soon it will be Thanksgiving. And then December is a big month too, my son's first birthday, then my wedding anniversary, and then Christmas. Woah!

I have some products to review coming up soon - a few beauty products and also some food stuff. I'll be working on getting those done and posted in the next couple weeks.

When Breastfeeding Doesn't Go As Planned

Breastfeeding seems like such a natural part of motherhood, however, it does not come easy for every mother.

When I was pregnant, I was so determined to breastfeed my son exclusively. I couldn't wait to provide milk for him, and I fully planned on trying to nurse for two years like the experts recommend now. At the very least, my minimum goal was to make it to one year.

Unfortunately, that isn't what happened. My milk dried up shortly before my son turned 9 months old.

Breastfeeding was a struggle from the very beginning. My delivery was difficult, 13 hours of labor ending in emergency c-section. Then, my son had some problems that required immediate attention - he had jaundice and dangerously low blood sugar. 

The doctor and nurses gave me two days while in the hospital to attempt to breastfeed. It was very difficult, and even with additional pumping, nothing was coming out yet. I knew that it could take almost a week for milk to come, but in my son's situation, we couldn't wait a week. His levels weren't improving with the few drops of colostrum I was providing.

I was told we needed to supplement with formula because my milk hadn't "come in" yet, because he needed nourishment right away to bring his levels back up to a healthy number. I won't lie, when I was pregnant I bought into the whole "formula shaming" bandwagon that's going on these days, so when I was told formula was necessary, I hung my head in shame and cried right there in front of the doctor and nurses.

His levels did get better after having formula, his jaundice improved, and they allowed us to go home on day 4. On day 5, my milk started to come. However, the struggle didn't go away.

Mommy Stress - Ear Infection

So...the past week or more has been pretty stressful. My son is 7 months old (almost 8) and he has several teeth already, so I'm used to a little fussiness regarding teething. The woes of teething usually lasts a day or so, he may fuss and cry a little, and just overall be a little grumpypants, but then he goes back to normal and he's his usual sweet self.

This time...not so much. The fussiness lasted for days straight. Instead of getting better, it got worse. It progressed to fits of crying that lasted hours, refusing to eat, fighting to go to sleep, and being extremely clingy (crying hysterically if I left the room or put him down for a second) and overall just acting miserable. I was worried about my poor guy.

For me, the stress was getting bad. He is normally super sweet, happy, giggly, and just in general a laidback baby. Nothing I was doing was helping - he didn't want to nurse, didn't want a bottle, didn't want any solids (even his usual favorites like bananas or sweet potatoes), he was clearly exhausted but wouldn't sleep. He was refusing to eat, not sleeping...I just felt so bad that something was clearly wrong and nothing I was doing was seemingly helpful.

I wanted to cry every time he cried.

And housework? Impossible. I'm seeing the dishes pile up, dust collecting everywhere, piles of laundry - and I'm just itching to get to work. But my son needs me, and just like in his newborn days, I haven't been able to put him down for a moment. He wasn't acting like his usual self at all.

I noticed him tugging at his ear a few days ago, but I had read that ear-tugging can be a teething symptom, so I just wrote it off as that. But as I noticed he was tugging his ear more often (something he had never done before) I thought perhaps we were dealing with something more than teething, perhaps an ear infection. I googled his symptoms (good old Dr. Google) and an ear infection did seem likely.

I took him to the pediatrician this morning, and sure enough, he has an infection in the right ear. Now he is on antibiotics for the next 10 days, so hopefully this will be what he needs to start getting better. I'm relieved that my "mommy instincts" were correct, that I wasn't overreacting, and that now he's on the road to getting back to normal.

I miss his sweet little laughs and his shy smiles. He's finally asleep right now, thankfully...let's see if I can get something done around here before he wakes.

Grieving and Trying to Get Back to Normal

So... I haven't posted anything in several months.

The last thing I posted was in February. Life was getting along pretty well at the time; I had a two month old baby, and I was getting into the swing of figuring out how to be a mother. Sure, my husband and I were pretty sleep deprived and may or may not have resembled zombies, but we were so blissfully happy with our new little one.

A week later after I posted my last update in February, I got devastating news that my brother had died. It was unexpected and all at once, it felt like my world was crashing down around me.

Understandably, my life has not quite been the same for me since. Grieving for my brother, while trying to juggle my daily life and being a new mother, has been extremely difficult. I haven't felt much like doing anything, and no, blogging was the last thing on my mind.

I decided getting back into blogging might be a good idea for me, perhaps it will be therapeutic to put my jumbled thoughts into words. I often feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings threatening to explode in my head and I don't know how to express them. Sometimes my thoughts make little sense even to myself.

Nobody understands a loss like this unless they've gone through it themselves.

Sure, everyone experiences death at some point - usually a grandparent or older relative passes away, and it's sad and hard to get used to them being gone. However, it's not exactly unexpected in that case - they're older, and death is something that happens to older people. But when death comes for someone who is younger, someone whose time has been cut short, it's tragic. You don't see it coming...but it comes, and the pain, and suffering grips you in a horrible, suffocating way.

Yes. That is one way I would describe grief... it's suffocating.

It's so hard, trying to put all the pieces back together, trying to find some sense of normalcy again. I can't quite say it's gotten easier over the last 5 months since he's been gone... grief is like a cycle for me. There are times when it's like life is going along relatively normally, and then something reminds me, something happens and I remember all over again that he's gone. Then the grief hits me fresh all over again, and I feel so horribly hopeless. It's hard to explain; mentally, I know he's gone, but have I accepted it? I guess not really.

I miss him so much and I feel so alone sometimes with how I feel. My husband is amazing, so loving and kind, patient, and supportive. But the pain feels so private, like I can't quite convey how I feel in a way that makes sense to another person. My husband tries his best to help me through this. He's there for me and listens to me, he helps me get through the worst times and I'm so thankful for him.

And my son... there's been times I have a hard time "hiding" my pain around him. I try very, very hard to be happy and act upbeat around my son. When he sees me upset or crying, I know that it upsets him too... and I don't want him to see me like that. There's been times I wondered, "why now? I can't deal with this loss and be a good mom at the same time! He deserves a better mom than me!" But honestly... if I didn't have my son, and my husband to help get me through this, I don't know if I'd still be here today, to be honest. They are giving me a purpose to continue going even when I don't feel like it. They give me a reason to try. They give me hope and happiness.

Anyway... I am rambling. I'm writing this half-asleep. I will continue some other time... I imagine I will be blogging about my thoughts quite a bit. I don't care if anyone reads it; it's for me, for me to express how I feel and what I'm going through. Hey...blogging is free and cheaper than therapy, so maybe this will help me in some way.

Hawaiian Punch

Tonight, my husband and I were grocery shopping, originally for just a few things like milk, bread, and fruit. Well, you know how it is, one thing leads to another... and suddenly, you're doing some legitimate shopping. It's never just "one or two things", you know?

I remembered we needed some juice - as we were hovering around the juice aisle, Mark comments, "look at all these flavors. Your dad would have loved this." I looked down, and saw what he was talking about. He was referring to the large jugs of Hawaiian Punch juice. My dad loved them, especially the orange flavor.

Suddenly, it was like a knife in my heart. Tears came to my eyes as I remembered.

I felt terrible because I forgot how much he loved those juices, and how many times we picked some up for him at the store before he passed away.

My dad passed away from cancer last year, in February.

Mark felt bad because I was suddenly so sad... he felt like he upset me and caused me pain. But no, it's a good thing for me to remember these things. I never want to forget.

I miss him so much.

Life seems good

You know what? For once...life seems good.

There's always so many things you can nitpick about: things are never perfect, and I can almost always find something to complain over. It's often easier to focus on what's wrong, rather than focus on what's right.

But lately...you know, things are pretty great. I just feel like things are looking up and becoming more positive. I'm excited about the future and can't wait to see what happens.

Last week, my husband and I received some excellent news. We are beyond thrilled! I'll post more about it later, as we find out more information. Thinking about it just makes me smile. :)

I have a reason to smile and be thankful... how about you?

The Return of Tobias

We have four pets (two dogs: Sasha and Jiya, and two cats: Selby and Toby), and they are my little babies. I really love them dearly. In particular, I am very close to Toby, who is always glued to my side and extremely affectionate and sweet.

 My husband and I recently moved to a new town, a little over a month ago. On moving day, we were in the process of putting the animals in their respective pet carriers to transport them to the new place. Toby was NOT happy about being in a carrier, and before I could close the latch, he demonstrated some super-feline strength, busted open the carrier door, and ran outside. Crap.

Well, we figured it wasn't that big of a deal. We were planning on coming back the next day, and the day after that, to finish getting things throughout the weekend. Also, Toby often went outside during the night, and since we'd be back the next morning, we'd just get him then. We took our other 3 animals to our new home.

So, we came back the next day... and there was no sign of Toby. The day after that, again, no sign of Toby. I was extremely upset.

We continued to go back to the old place on weekends, to keep packing odds and ends (I hate moving) and of course, search for Toby. We went back at least 3 weekends, and there was no sign of him. We had friends and family look for him, to no avail. It's been a month... Toby was gone forever. My heart was devastated. My little baby.

I would cry every night, I missed him so much. Toby always slept with us, he'd nestle in between us, right under my arm. Whenever I would be quilting, Toby was always right there in my lap. Whenever I was sick or in pain, Toby was with me. If I were sad, Toby would try to comfort me. I've had cats all my life, and let me tell you, Toby was special. He was the best cat I've ever had. He was never standoffish or anti-social; he was honestly the most affectionate and friendly cat I've ever known. He loved to cuddle, he loved being pet, and he adored his belly rubbed (any other cat I've known would rip your hand off if you touched their stomach!)

He was very vocal, and when you'd enter a room, he'd meow as if to say, "hello!" He was just precious.

It had been a month since his disappearance, and I had tried to accept that he was gone. Pets get lost every day, and the chance of them returning after a month, especially if the owners had moved... it just didn't seem likely. I figured I'd never see him again. It broke my heart.

We went back to the old house one final time, we STILL had some odds and ends crap that we needed to bring before the month was up. I was in the back of the house, when I heard my husband say, "I think I hear a cat."

What?

Then I hear him exclaim, "TOBY!"

I rushed out to the door, and there he was. A month later, my cat had returned. How? I didn't think it was possible. We had left...the house was empty. There had been snow storms, and thunder storms, and yet he persevered and kept trying to wait for us.
I immediately started sobbing.

The day we found Toby again.

My husband is like, "honey, keep it down, you're scaring him!" LOL.
He looked great. His fur was still thick and beautiful, and he had no marks or scratches on him. He had noticeably lost a few pounds, and was a bit skinny. But he was alive... he wasn't dead. Tobias was back!

So, naturally, we couldn't wait to bring him to the new home. The dogs, Sasha and Jiya, were SO HAPPY to see him again. They immediately fell upon him with wagging tails and lots of puppy kisses. Selby, the other cat, however, seemed to not recognize Toby. She would hiss and hide from him. I was worried...they had always been so close, since we had adopted them as kittens at around the same time.

Toby and Jiya reunited

About a week later, though, Selby started to loosen up. It seems things are back to normal now, no more hissing or hiding.
All is well in our home, now. :)