Negative thoughts

Today has been a hard day.

The kind of day where I'm too "inside my head", the kind of day where I feel that only tears can express my thoughts. 

The thoughts are negative and relentless sometimes.

You're not a good wife.

You're not a good mother.

Nothing you do matters.

You don't matter.

Even though I know those things aren't true, it hurts.

I had to put my son in the crib for a moment just so I could cry for a few minutes. Seeing his sweet, innocent face looking at me cautiously as I'm crying is more than I can bear. I don't want him to see me like this.

I wish so much I could talk to my brother, or my dad, but I can't. They're gone... and sometimes I feel so very alone.

Looking at what has become of my life, of my family, I cannot believe it. There's been good things, wonderful things, like my husband and my son. But there's also been so much sadness and loss... I never thought those closest to me would be gone while I'm still young. 

Seeing people with their families, laughing and having fun, is hurtful because it becomes all too obvious to me that I don't have that anymore. 

The reality of it, that they are not coming back, I push it aside for as long as I can just so I can function. Then it bubbles to the surface and I just can't keep it inside any longer. Sometimes being strong for everyone else is not possible. Sometimes I need a moment to myself to process.

I can't process it, though.

It's so hard.  It's too much.

I'm not okay.

I feel so alone sometimes.

Trying to get back into quilting

Now that the semester is over, and I have a bit of free time, I'm wanting to start working on my quilt again.

I'm on my second ever quilt, so I'm definitely a beginner. I piece the quilt top with my sewing machine, and do the quilting by hand. I'm new to this and it's going quite slow lol. With school and everything I haven't had a lot of time to devote to it. I'm hoping to change that.

I've been doing it in sections, with the plan to attach the sections together at the end, thinking that may make it easy to handle.

I love looking at quilt websites and Pinterest for inspiration. Some of these quilters are absolutely amazing. I feel so inferior in comparison. But hey, we all have to start somewhere.

My cat Toby loves to snooze on lap underneath my quilting hoop...

So, so tired

I am exhausted.

With going to school full time and my new job, I'm starting to feel very run down. I can't pay attention in class, and at work I am low on energy.

When I get home, I'm so tired that I have barely any interest in doing anything with my husband or pets. This makes me sad.

I feel so drained. I'm working to help out but I feel like not being able to spend time at home makes it not so worth it. I feel zapped and unhappy. But money still needs to be made.

There doesn't seem to be enough hours at night for me to sleep. I don't feel recharged when my alarm goes off.

I feel so blah and noncaring lately. Snappy and irritable.

Sigh.

Sorry for the depressing post...Just wanted to let off some steam.

Fast Food Woes

This economy has made jobs hard to come by, let alone good jobs. That, coupled with living in a small town with very few options to choose from, has led me to accepting a job I normally wouldn't consider.

I have been working at a fast food job for the last few months. I won't say where, but it is a popular non-burger place.

I never considered myself "too good" to work in food service, but it isn't job I would have chosen for myself... The fast pace, the rude customers, hateful managers, hard work for low pay. It just wasn't something I ever wanted to do; but these days a job is better than no job, and money is money, I guess.

Many people think those who work in food service are uneducated losers with no futures. That isn't true. I'm a college student and am almost finished with my degree. I'm not making food service a career. But I know people who do work in food service as their career, and I don't judge them for it.

I don't understand why so many people look down on fast food workers. You aren't better than them. We are just trying to do our jobs the best we can, as fast as we can, and with as much accuracy as possible. At the end of the day, we are just trying to earn some money, just like anyone else.

Mistakes happen, unfortunately. When they do, please just calmly let us know and we fix it. Yelling at us or insulting us is hateful and unnecessary. It isn't like we made an error on purpose. Working at this job, I have really seen how rude and childish people can be.

Thankfully, I have some coworkers who make me laugh and that helps reduce stress.

Even though I feel stressed, feel like crying, or want to snap at a customer, I still manage to be polite and give good service with a smile.

TIL: I Can't Do Sushi

Today I learned: I can't do sushi.

Nope. I've tried. It just isn't my thing. I have friends who swear by it, and my husband just loves it.

My husband hasn't had sushi in many years. Our town basically consists of fast food chains. So, when a new Japanese steakhouse opened in our tiny town, we were both excited to try something new. Today we decided to make a date of it and went out for lunch.
 

We ordered crab wontons for an appetizer. They were very good. Give me a plate of those and I'll be a happy girl. Then I ordered steak, rice,  and veggies for my meal, and Mark ordered a sushi plate.

He offers me a bite of some tuna something or other sushi. I flashed back to that time when I was a kid and tried it for the first time, and hated it. But I figured eh, why not step out of my comfort zone and give it another shot.

Yeah....no.

I totally didn't like it at all. The flavor completely turned me off. It was like my stomach clenched up and said WTF.

I can't go for that. No can do. 

I'm glad other people love sushi, but it's a taste I just haven't acquired!

But my steak and vegetables were absolutely delicious. And Mark loved his sushi. So it was nice, even though that sushi was slightly traumatizing for me. Lol.

Japanese food, y'all.

Technical Difficulties are... Difficult

Ahhhh. I haven't posted in over three months, bad Hannah! I never intended to let my blog die like this.

Basically, my laptop bit the dust. I tried to get it repaired, but it was a temporary fix. So, I had another guy look at my computer, and a month later, nothing happened, and the dreaded Blue Screen haunted me to no end.... and the laptop was unusable completely. Blogging took a back seat and that's a shame. I really did start getting into posting entries;  it was fun.

Anyway, enough excuses. I still do not have a laptop,  but I now have a Blogger app on my phone. Hopefully I can begin posting again.

I plan to be back in action again very soon!

It all started with pink hair

Last summer around this time, I went through some kind of quarter life crisis. I can't really call it as mid-life crisis, as I'm only 25 - so quarter life I shall call it, lol. Anyway, I basically went on a hair color rampage.

A frenzy.

I'm now a recovering hair color addict.

Over the past year, I changed my hair color, literally, about every  month. Before the major changes, I had long, flowing, silky dark hair. Dark brown, almost black, almost to my waist. I guess I got tired of having the same old look, so I drastically cut it into a chin-length bob and highlighted it.

I got so many compliments, I didn't know what hit me. People stopped me just to say how much they loved the new short, lighter hair color. It felt good to be noticed. But then... I wanted pink hair.

Let's get this started!

Well, I suppose this is my first blog post. I don't really know where to begin, so I'll just start rambling.

How about an introduction?

Welcome to my new blog, Tangerine Latte. My name is Hannah; I am a 25 year old wife, and college student. Some of my interests include:

• Quilting and sewing. I recently got into making quilts a few months ago. I'm a beginner, and I'm constantly learning more about this new hobby of mine. I love it.
• Reading. My Kindle is always at the ready. You never know when life will get boring and you'll need to escape in some fiction.
• Cooking. I love trying new recipes and coming up with my own ideas for meals. I'm not going to lie - I love food. My husband is usually pretty happy when I decide to experiment in the kitchen.
• Church. I enjoy attending church and learning more about the Lord.
• Beauty. I adore all things girly - I can never get enough of makeup and perfume. I have a huge collection of beauty products that keeps on growin' (much to my husband's irritation).
• Animals. I have four adorable pets. They are definitely my babies (that is, until I have real human babies, lol). Two cats: Selby (female), Toby (male); and two puppies: Sasha (male), Jiya (female). These furry friends will likely make regular appearances on my blog - yes, I'm one of those annoying people who constantly take pictures of their pets. 

This blog is likely to involve any, and all of those things listed above.

I recently got married, almost six months ago. I adore my husband, Mark. I'm learning what it means to be a wife - It definitely is a learning process for me. What does it take to be a "good wife"? This blog may explore my thoughts, my joys, my frustrations, and my blunders when it comes to my progress into being a homemaker.

Have I bored you to tears yet? I hope not. Come back again and we'll get chatty.