Negative thoughts

Today has been a hard day.

The kind of day where I'm too "inside my head", the kind of day where I feel that only tears can express my thoughts. 

The thoughts are negative and relentless sometimes.

You're not a good wife.

You're not a good mother.

Nothing you do matters.

You don't matter.

Even though I know those things aren't true, it hurts.

I had to put my son in the crib for a moment just so I could cry for a few minutes. Seeing his sweet, innocent face looking at me cautiously as I'm crying is more than I can bear. I don't want him to see me like this.

I wish so much I could talk to my brother, or my dad, but I can't. They're gone... and sometimes I feel so very alone.

Looking at what has become of my life, of my family, I cannot believe it. There's been good things, wonderful things, like my husband and my son. But there's also been so much sadness and loss... I never thought those closest to me would be gone while I'm still young. 

Seeing people with their families, laughing and having fun, is hurtful because it becomes all too obvious to me that I don't have that anymore. 

The reality of it, that they are not coming back, I push it aside for as long as I can just so I can function. Then it bubbles to the surface and I just can't keep it inside any longer. Sometimes being strong for everyone else is not possible. Sometimes I need a moment to myself to process.

I can't process it, though.

It's so hard.  It's too much.

I'm not okay.

I feel so alone sometimes.